Have you ever felt like one of your relationships with your significant others, friends, or even family members, was one-sided? Like you were constantly giving out positive energy, but not getting the same energy in return? Or have you ever questioned your importance in someone’s life because you felt like they didn’t value your time or dismissed your feelings? What about you censoring yourself or not communicating your feelings to keep the other person happy?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might have a problem. The problem is a lack of clear boundaries. Don’t sweat it too much though. Like you, I answered yes to these questions also and have figured out some potential solutions to this boundary problem.
Before I share the solution, let me share more about my own problem with not having clear boundaries. Maybe you’ll be able to relate to these experiences and realize that this issue is quite common.
My Boundary Problem
Over the past six months, I have been doing some deep self- reflection that has helped me realized who I am and what I like and dislike. I also realized that I had to address my lack of clear boundaries in my relationships due to my constant want to please others or my not wanting to get into conflicts with other people.
For example, in my relationships, I would censor myself a lot, filtering what I said to not openly share exactly how something might have made me feel because of me wanting to make sure everything I said or made the other person feel okay or safe while I was trying my best to keep my feelings lowkey. Even while acting as if nothing bothered me, I could not help how I was feeling, and before I knew it, I would be passive-aggressive.
I would tell the person I was fine when I wasn’t and act differently towards them based on my assumptions of their lack of caring. Also, I would literally mentally shut down, not speak, and have even walked away without saying a word.
For the longest while, I thought that acting like this was the best way for me to deal with my feelings and keep potential conflict at a minimum. I justified the behavior by telling myself I was not yelling at them or belittling them. I now realize this issue of me wanting to always please others or put others feelings above my own was the root of my boundary problem. Because of my lack of clear boundaries, I had become used to making sure the other person was happy even if it was at the cost of my own happiness.
But now, I am learning that adding to my loved one’s happiness cannot be at the expense of my own happiness. We can simultaneously add to each other’s happiness through the boundaries we have.
So let’s talk about boundaries.
What are Boundaries?
What is a boundary anyway? Most times when people hear the word boundary, they automatically think of something negative. What comes to mind? A wall? A barrier that doesn’t allow anyone or anything thing to get in or out? This may be true in the physical sense, but as my friend Mary G says, “Boundaries give people an instruction manual on how to treat you.” Your boundaries are meant to protect you.
Another way to think of boundaries is that setting them is the ultimate act of self-care that ensures you are being loved and respected the way you want to be. With boundaries, you can set realistic expectations for your relationship with others and cut out assumptions. Instead of someone assuming you are okay with them treating you a certain way, clearly setting boundaries will let them know whether or not they are crossing the line.
Boundaries Aren’t New. Let’s look at the game of basketball. Why basketball? Well, because I am a huge fan of the game. Anyways, basketball, like any other sport, has instructions (rules/guidelines) on how to play the game. If a player breaks a rule, there is a consequence, a penalty. In basketball, it’s typically a foul. To play the game, the players must know the rules. If they break one by accident or on purpose during the game, there are officials to enforce those rules. For instance, if a player fights during the game, the player is automatically ejected.
Now that we know what a boundary is, let’s get into my 5 tips for setting boundaries.
Let’s Set Some Boundaries
Remember, boundaries are all about protecting your vibe/energy. Your positive energy is essential, so protect it! Here is a 6-step guide to protecting your energy with boundaries.
Tip 1: Figure out what is important to you
Be real with yourself. Do some deep diving into you. I know, I know, who really likes to self-reflect? How do you protect something if you don’t know what to protect? Tap into your feelings and raw emotions. Ask yourself these questions:
Take some time really getting to know yourself because it is only through learning more about you and your values that you will be able to set boundaries that protect who you are. Create your boundaries around your values.
For me, being around someone with good vibes makes me happy. I don’t like negative vibes at all. My friends and family know I will dismiss a person or situation that brings negativity. I have cut ties with family members who were presenting negative vibes all the time. I drew my line (my boundary). I still love them, but I cannot continue to have that kind of toxic energy disturbing my peace.
Next, after you determine your boundaries…
Tip 2: Straight Talk. No Sugarcoating.
Clearly communicate your boundaries AND the action that will follow if they are not respected.
I am not saying randomly initiate a conversation that seems more like a class lecture about all the boundaries you have created for yourself. Instead, at a good time, have a heart-to-heart with those that matter about your boundaries. But also be open to hearing their thoughts and what they deem important to them. Speak, preferably in person. You can also speak on the phone or use FaceTime (or another video calling app). DO NOT TEXT! You don’t want your message to get lost in translation, especially if you are talking to a guy.
Sidebar: texting a guy a paragraph is a waste a time. Trust me. Been there, done that. But back to what we were talking about.
When speaking, own how you’re feeling rather than accusing the other person of causing you to feel the way you do. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Example:
Don’t beat around the bush when having this conversation. Setting new boundaries may be difficult but stand your ground. Remember, you are protecting yourself. Be assertive and let them know what’s up.
Tip 3: Foul! Call the Penalty. Be Consistent.
Remember the basketball analogy. If your partner doesn’t adhere to your set boundaries, call the penalty (foul). There are consequences for not playing fair. Let the person know that you will not tolerate them mistreating you. You have the power to walk away. I am not saying you shouldn’t have mercy at times. We all have bad days, but when you set boundaries, you let them know what’s important to you, why it’s important to you and what the consequence may be for crossing the line. Let’s take a look at an example of this –
“I value spending quality time with you because this makes me feel connected. If you’re not willing to make any kind of effort to spend time with me, I am going to have to cut you off.”
Be consistent. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel bad for protecting your energy. My mom ALWAYS tells me, “You teach people how to treat you.” I can definitely say she is right. You teach people how to treat you through consistently enforcing your boundaries. People listen to your actions, not always your words. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Tip 4: Speak AND Listen = COMPROMISE
What’s good for one is good for both. Understand that when you decide to set boundaries, the other person may have a few of their own. You can’t want to vocalize what’s important to you but not hear what’s important to them. Everyone should set boundaries and be able to share them with each other. Boundaries in relationships cannot be one-sided. This may mean COMPROMISE. Take responsibility for your actions within the relationship, work to understand the other’s perspective, and adjust accordingly. If you value quality time, don’t expect to monopolize all their time. Don’t use ultimatums; meet in the middle. Using boundaries to manipulate is toxic!
Tip 5: Know when it’s time to move on
Sometimes, setting boundaries and sharing how you desire to be treated doesn’t result in the best response from the other individual. Everyone should feel respected and loved in their relationships. If someone chooses not to respect your boundaries, remember your worth. Evaluate the relationship. Is a reminder needed, or is it out of balance? If it’s out of balance and a reminder of your boundaries isn’t working, throw up your peace sign and let it go. You can love people from a distance. That’s okay.
At the end of the day, do what’s best for YOU! Protect your energy! Good Vibes only!
Now that you have read this, let’s talk about it! How can you set or maintain better boundaries? Drop your response in the comments below! Thanks for Reading!
